They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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