The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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