There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
