Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
