The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
