No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
