Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
