Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?