I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
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when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
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I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob