Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
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What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
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My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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