I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
