if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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