: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
How's work?
Spinning.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
