Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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