I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
