fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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