I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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