I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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