How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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