He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
When did we convert life to cartoon?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
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