I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
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I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
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You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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