guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Randomize
