Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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