And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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