Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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