my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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