May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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