Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
