2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
