I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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