apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
this just has baby written all over it
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
organizing the empties. That sober.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
i've created a new STD.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
