idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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