i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
