Ambien. No doubt about it.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
