if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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