i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
