You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Randomize
