as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
