Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Randomize
