yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
