I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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