maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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