Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
