My cat gives me a boner
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
