dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
