I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
