put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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