You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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