forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
