what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
