Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
