I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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