Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Randomize
