No stitches, just platelets and will power
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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