Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
