When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
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I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
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He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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