My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
