That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Randomize
