love how google fills in search terms for you, today for example, i ran a query for "why do girls get t"
and google finished it w/ "ramp stamps."
I felt less weird knowing others had searched this before me.
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
