Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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