WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
