I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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