My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
